Stop and Frack implemented in Detroit

Detroit’s Emergency Manager Kevyn Orr

announces the city’s new ‘Stop and Frack’ law.

Detroit (I.D. News)  Aug 16, 2013

“Detroit’s budget will be balanced in 1 year by adopting this program.”  So says Emergency Manager Kevyn Orr in announcing the city’s new “Stop and Frack” law.  Under this new plan, a special task force of city police officers will patrol the city’s streets, targeting houses that are “acting suspiciously while situated over shale deposits.”    Once identified and read their rights, each house will have the opportunity to accept or reject the installation of a fracking well.  Non-responsive houses will be added to the fracking system within 30 days, with 10% of well revenue being returned to the city, says Orr.

“This is a completely constitutionally legal process,” Orr emphasized, “Any house may decline being converted to a fracking site by merely saying so.  Democracy will live on in Detroit!”

During the field test program that ended July 31, 65 vacant houses were identified and offered the opportunity to refuse the fracking option.  According to Orr, not one house said a word. “This test pretty much proves that vacant houses simply love this idea….not one objected when an officer proposed the offer.”   Reminded that houses cannot speak, Orr hastily rejected the motives of the questioner who was clearly biased in his opinion.  When challenged, the reported had to admit that there was nothing in either the US or Michigan constitutions that identified “houses, trailers or mobile homes” as having special consideration under the law.  “Houses have the same rights to free speech as anyone or anything else, but they also have the right NOT to speak and I will continue to respect their rights in this regard.”, said Orr.

Orr expects to have 2,000 properties converted to fracking wells by year end 2013.  Asked about future pollution from leaking underground storage tanks (LUSTs) as being experienced throughout the rest of Michigan,  Orr replied that our Founding Fathers had anticipated situations like this, citing “posterity” dozens of times in the founding documents.  “This is our gift to Posterity, just as the Founders envisioned.”

Responding to a question about the origin of the new law, Orr explained that the concept came to him while thinking about several terrible laws.  “It’s really a combination of Bloomberg’s Stop and Frisk law and the Michigan Frack Anywhere, Anytime laws.  Take two bad laws, combine them and viola!, you have a new paradigm true to our Constitution and Christian faith.”   “I call it Occam’s Hammer… find the least reasonable solution that will benefit the smallest number of citizens and pound it down their throats.”

When queried about the beneficiaries of the other 90% of fracking well revenues, Orr said that most of it would go to the oil companies that create jobs for our Detroit citizens.  When told that it had been rumored that 51% would be going to state and local Republican re-election campaigns, Orr, clearly agitated, began waving his new “Forward Detroit” banner to cheers, then shouted,  “Well, if we don’t get our guys re-elected, this great law could be tossed off the books, to the detriment of our hard working, suffering citizens.  You folks get that, don’t you?”

By staff reporter I. Diogenes